Woke up v early this morning and couldn't help checking out my in-box for new matches. There is something addictive about the dating website no matter how terrible it is. Anyway, found a classic guy who needed putting in his place. Here's what he says in his profile:

'I am an artist and musician. i love all genres of music, I am a black american i recently lived in los angeles however now i live in stretford. I have 2 sons 10 and 13 who live with my exwife who my best friend. I have lived in 4 countries usa, germany, japan, and uk. I love to cook, give erotic messages and i love to dance.

Actually, Im really looking for Ms Right, she's a Beautiful voluptuous, full figured, ginger/redhead friend and lover. She is a great kisser with a beautiful smile. She has a galaxy of freckles and pale irish complexion, she makes me weak in the knees! She is creative, witty and intelligent, she is kind and considerate. She is a lady in the appropriate places and the opposite of a lady in the appropriate places. Preferably she lives in or around Greater Manchester.

Olenka Diamond had to respond to that! Here's what I put:

'Hi there,

Just thought I'd let you know you will struggle to find a voluptuous redhead. Freckly redheads tend to be quite flat-chested but if you simply can't get turned on by anyone who hasn't got red hair some ladies might be pursuaded to use a dye. Personally I favour deep copper in autumn but I'm generally blonde.

If you don't mind I will also pull you up on your spelling of 'massage'. I am assuming you give erotic massages, not messages, which is what this is. You can also send them by text if you have the girl's number.

I hope you are enjoying Manchester. I have travelled to many places, but LA was never one of them. However from the shallow nature of your profile it is clear that the real kind of people who live in North England should go some way to helping you get over your past!'

I wonder if he'll respond?